I value the friend who for me finds time on the calendar.
But I cherish the friend who for me does not consult the calendar.
why are conflicts surfacing like the world is ever ending? all in less than a week. less than half a week. why?! cant we all continue being ignorant friends rather than keep thinking of this and that? simple and peaceful. i guess there is no such things or such friends. everybody in the world is wanting more and must think complicate coz being simple is not anymore a good thing.
today's event might be a hint for me to blog. theodora asked jilly, miaos and me to stay back after band to see her. at first i didn't think of it as anything serious. then justin changed his clarinet from e11 to Wai Kit's leblanc. then i started to think. human nature. since is all 3 of us then shld it be punishment about the sec1? or issit a change in the clarinets? or she want to make things clear about unclear qns? possibilities poured into my mind like a flood in my brain. then i decided not to think anymore. is not worth squeezing my brain juice out like crazy since i will be knowing it in a few hours' time. well. i shall bring forward the time and talk about what happened at 5.45pm outside the band room.
isabelle, theo, angeline and kiesha sat down on one side of the bench outside the band room and asked jilly, miaos and me to stand in front of them. 1st impression for me: informal as we all got our bags with us, either slinged or carried. i cant rmb much but this is roughly the happenings.
theo: what u all think about the clar section now?
1 of us: juniors not enthu enough
1 of us: attendance?
then we carried on with a few more other reasons.
theo: clar section is like hopeless already. mr tan's expression and us.
then theo reprimand us about our attitude.
i think theo is right. she punished us with up-downs 20 times after she reprimand. our attitute changed so much compared to them when they were sec1. the 4 of them told us how that react when xianmin or yangcheng asked them "what u think about the clarinet section?". they didn't even utter a word or a sound then they got pumped 20. they then said that they would never rebutt or even answer when any qns is asked despite the fact that it is a qns. they never dared to ask for a better clarinet. they are happy enough with a clarinet made of wood instead of plastic. and they jumped for joy when they were given RC but they were not really happy taking the leblanc. they cant believe that they are given such a clarinet. but now? ppl arent happy with clarinet of wood and are asking for leblanc when they wont even dared ask for an RC. they told us things of the past and compare with us. i think they are right. at their time they were given plastic when they came into band. but us? we were given the wood clarinet when we joined band for the 1st day! we didnt even touch the plastic ones. i admit that i myself also dunno if i shld be taking the leblanc. theo said that miaos and jilly wont be getting the leblanc coz they didnt prove to her that they deserve it. then a qns came pass my mind. i dunno if i deserve it. i asked and asked. then i got an answer. more than two said that i shld just continue using leblanc instead of giving up half-way through. and i was prompt that if i give it up then some other clarinetists shld also give it up. it fianlly came to me that i shld not be creating more troubles since there is more than enough of it. theo reprimand about the pestering of leblanc clarinet but all of her words seems nth to do with me. but since it is that case and she still call me in, looking at me scarily, i supposed there is sth that i need to reflect on too. i will.
i asked theo about some conflicts and i think i managed to clear some doubts. miaos prompt me a few points too. therefore, i know where i stand and what shld i be doing. actually i feel that theo like dowan to tell me too many things. among me, jilly and miaos, i feel the furthest away from theo. although we sit together and share file for about a year or so, we didn't seems to be able to communicate very very well. i regret taking advantages of things. when i sat btw Wai Kit and theo last year. i shld have known it very well that this position of our places would be changed. i regretted not even uttering a single word to Wai Kit and didnt take the chance to ask theo anything. last year was a critical year actually. my fav year. the times where the 3 of us always sat together was fun and the feeling was great. but the pressure for me was high.
i wonder if i ever told anybody that i fear Wai Kit. despite that he didnt utter a word of scolding towards any of us, i just fear sitting with him. maybe coz he is sectional leader. even though i fear, but i wont want to change my seat and move away from him. i cant continue playing without either him or theo. their rhytem and tune. but it was through the sentosa performance, then i realized that i have to start to depend on myself and listening to other instruments. i rmb that i was the only 1st clarinetists who sat in during the few practices before the performance. theo only came back 1 or 2 days before the performance. Wai Kit came back once and we played The Way We Were and Sinfornia Classical together. whew. luckily he came back that day. Sinfornia Classical was not that ez to play for 1st clarinet part. i hold my breathe till like siao. but that day the both of us did stagger-breathing. it was so much more comfortable. at least for the 3rd movement i got more energy to continue through the whole song. it was an enjoyable day and everything went well for me. but disappointly, that was the last practice that i sat with him. positions changed and i dunno if he comes back, where would he sit? theo and christabelle share file. me and angeline share file. then Wai Kit leh? sigh. how wish he would use back his own file. there is no extra file actually. haha. but no matter what is the case, even if he just appear in the band room to help with anything but not sit in, it shld be a happy thing that he still cares. :)
back to the day's event. among the 4 of them who reprimand jilly, miaos and me, i think theo really is serious about us all. is true that she said she respected us. and therefore we shld respect her too. or shld i say, only i but not we? she has her authorities and she can use them. she uses them wisely and doesnt abuse them. among us all, nobody except her deserves to lead and be our sectional leader. at least some ppl do think so. reasons:
1. ASL
2. ASC
3. best clarinet player
4. holds respect
5. fair and dont hold grudge - no personal feelings
and the list goes on and on.
actually what she said are all true. at least mostly are. based on memories of what she ever said, she is right on the fact that we are making a lot of decisions. or once again, just me? i know now where i stand. i will not interfere anymore unless needed. actually not that i want to interfere or what. firstly, theo already arranged the 1st clarinet positions of our seats before she went to USA. secondly, i was told by others, and some clarinetists that i shld be taking charge. i didnt want to do much coz i respected theo and know that most decisions would still be decided by her. huiwen was also taking charge in certain things. is not as if me and huiwen were the only ones doing things. nobody was exactly taking charge. we all did our part. there is no SL nor ASL. one is studying and the other overseas. that's why mr tan and us all are complaining why the new committee is not set up yet. no leaders or any sort could take charge of sections. or what shall we do when sectionals day arrived? sit there and rot? but practicing ourselves wont do good. we dunno what is right or wrong and we do it our own way. back to topic. i know where i stand. i know i am just a sec2 and still partly a junior so i cant take charge at all. seniors are still seniors and i shld still respect them. but at times, there are happenings whereby there are no seniors to take charge and someone just had to do something about it. how wish xianmin or yangcheng was back here to punish us all!
i dont want to get into trouble or get others in trouble. i got Wai Kit in trouble once and that's enough. i cried due to some reasons of getting him into troubles coz of my carelessness. careless leads ppl like him into troubles. i couldnt think of what could be worst. what i meant was that ppl like him who does not interfere with things could even get into trouble coz of his careless junior. now, i dowan to get theo into trouble anymore. i keep getting sectional leaders into troubles. xianmin too. it was her decision that i am playing in the first clarinet. i rmb that day coz it was the sec2 first performance with the full band. it was speech day'05. xianmin placed 2 of us 3 in 3rd clarinet when the 2 of them were in 2nd and i am in 1st. i feel weird so i went along with them to 3rd. then xianmin called me frm her position in 1st clarinet to go back to where i was. she asked why i anyhow change position myself. then i realized that if seniors say 1, it really means 1.
another conflict is the fact that i spoilt my RC clarinet last year was accidentally and carelessly. i saw this padding that has came off more than half. i didnt know whether it will affect my playing so i tore it out since is already coming off and it seems like it is going to drop off even if i dont take it off. so i took it out. and my sound of clarinet changed totally. erm. actually there arent even sound. i think. mostly is either wrong tune or cant play at all. i panicked at that time then decided to tell mr tan the next practice. he decided that i shld take the leblanc since the twins, sihar and sira has stepped down. i forgot what happened to xianmin's clarinet. then i took sihar's. i rmb the seniors rebutted and i felt like what justin felt at that point of time when he opened the case of Wai Kit's leblanc and the 3 of us (theo, angeline and me) were like quarrelling. but we managed to laugh off when i joked about his clarinet was the best. then rebutt jokingly not to throw away Wai Kit's reeds even though they might rot. haha. then we enjoyed the moments but soon after we went back to the hall and see some ppl's expressions, the tension is back. i rmb Wai Kit scolded me the next practice for not letting him make the decision of me changing of clarinet. and he scolded why i didnt even tell him even if i changed. i rmb i was speechless. i went home and reflect and almost went bonkers. since then i used leblanc. i know that it is unfair to the seniors at that time. but i really got no clarinets to use! cant be i really use the plastic ones. i wanted to change back when the RC came back but then i changed barrel to the Concerto so i got in tune better and that's why i didnt change back since i got used to leblanc. i think the change of my clarinet might be the reason that is keeping me and the clarinet seniors from each other. we all didnt talk much. until, erm... i forgot why i started talking with them or vice versa. haha.
i dunno if it was mr tan or xianmin's decision that lead the 3 sec2 clarinetists to our state of unhappiness and unfairness. i really dunno. if it wasnt both the decision, i would not be in 1st clarinet using leblanc and i wont get to talk to Wai Kit and therefore having such feelings. but i cant say that i dont wish for all these to happen. but i only got a choice btw the unfairness of 2 gd friends and the happiness of the decisions. i really dunno. but i seemingly have got no choice now. but i know that i dont regret anything at all. only one decision was my choice and that is the feeling towards someone. but those decisions made by others was the result of my state now. i am happy to be in such a state of happiness but that was before the sec1 came in this year. conflicts occurred after they came in due to the arrangements of the clarinets.
i told today's events to my gd and nice and most communicated brother. haha. god-brother is always nice. (: i wanted to talk more but he want to eat. haha. he asked a weird qns today. i really dunno how answer him. it is like both are nice ppl and ask me to choose? how? but since he is my gd brother and we talk so often, i thought maybe my answer is him. haha. if only he reads my blog then he will see the answer. he lends me a listening ear. although he dont give me his comments and feelings about such events, i feel a lot better. at least he wont add oil to fire. if only i have got more time to spare to talk to him then i will have someone whom know every single trouble i have. sigh. he asked me to give up on the person i like/love. he meant that it is useless to hang on but he is doing the same. i wish him gd luck! (: i know i wont succeed in improving anything btw me and that guy so i just hope to help him in whatever ways i can. but i really no mood to give up. and since i saw HIM today, the feeling is back. i thot it faded but i think it is brought back to the past due to the sight of his leblanc and the thought of him using it once again beside me and we shall share score. "dream on!" that's what i tell myself at times. the percentage of him coming back is quite small and for us to share score? even smaller percentage! but i cling on to any hope i can find. (:
i dunno was it fated that everything goes this way and therefore end up this way. i just hope that there is no jealousy, anger or even hatred btw the 4 of us - daffy, jilly, miaos and me. daffy might not feel anything since she is different section. but the 3 of us are impt to this friendship. we lean on each other and we played around, and fooled around like kids in playgrounds. it was the best time we ever got btw us. but the 4 of us never went together before to any playground if we ever realized. mostly was 3 ppl. i feel further from the grp now. i left them 3 when 1 was crying after the reprimand. but i really dunno what to say even i go to them. 2 of them might be thinking that i dowan them to get leblanc coz i say bad things about leblanc and all sort. i just want to tell them that there are disadvantages to everything. i would give up my leblanc in exchange for a performance with the particular sec4 senior. XP but now at this time, 1st clarinetists still need theo. she have to balance things up. it is unfair when a clarinetist among us say that it is a great thing that theo is absent for band practice and just too bad for us 1st clarinetists. i feel extreme hatred when ppl act like that. the act of hating someone who is worth the respect. but inside that hatred, it carries respect. it is only that it is hard to see. being unrespectful is when ppl already told u that we shld not rebutt but then just a few moments ltr, he/she rebutt. no matter what the qns is, rebutt is a serious offence under such matters. anyways. i seems to think that the 3 of them think similarly but i am the odd-one-out. i feel that i shld leave the grp. shld i?
remarkable results!