time waits for nobody.
sian. tmr have to go back to school to see that teacher for CIP. sigh sigh. i hope that there will be some talking among us. (:
sigh. maths post-test just now after school. STRESSED! scared fail. i spent quite an effort in studying for this test. it decided my further of having tuitions or not. if i fail then i have to go for maths tuition in the bishan condo. if i pass then i dont need to go for any tuition! haha. it is condo but just that feel awkard. it is private tuition with another 3 students whom i dunno. that time very funny. i think it is jill. i was chatting with her about my planned tuition. then she say private tuition better not have male teacher. then i said it IS a young male teacher. haha. i dont have any type of THOSE intentions. *ahems
i just read miaos's blog. she said about the relation btw jilly, daffy, miaos and me. the 4 of us. sigh. i guess she is right. i seems happier with kiesha, benjamin and bjorn they all. although it looks weird that 1 sec2 and 3 sec3, i feel that we really can joke around more often. bjorn and benjamin isnt those kind that are fairly interested in chatting a lot about things happening school-hours, esp since they are just typical events. the 2 of them, esp benjamin LOVES to make fun of me. sigh. it may sound stupid that i am happy that ppl make fun of me. but i really am. they make fun of me, but the comments arent terrible. the comments will make me laugh like siao. they are really very funny ppl. sacarstic but funny. haha. maybe i shld start blogging a bit about the four of us's funny chats. haha. but only a bit. too much cant keep ppl entertained. XP
today bjorn and fuhui was playing chess. hmm. the funny thing is that they had no chessboard but only have the chess-seeds. THEN... haha. joy drew one chessboard for them on one of the tables in the band room la! haha. draw a bit slanted la but still looks alright enough to play. and they did. haha. after playing, fuhui went to rub continuously on the table to clean away the chessboard. haha. then bjorn and kiesha were kicking chairs. then when bjorn came back, he found 4 chess-seeds missing. haha. then we find here find there and found 3. left one "red bloody elephant" unfound. haha. after that bjorn gave up and we 4 went home. it reminds me of bjorn's b'day that day, he did a GOOD deed. he helped a blind old man with stick to cross the road and to the bus stop. since then, he "fear" old man with sticks. haha. it was so funny when he starting searching for them when he alighted the bus. haha. benjamin did a good deed that day and today too. today's good deed - he kept a bass clarinet file when i refused to. good deed on that day - he missed his bus on purpose after me and kiesha scolded him for not being kind enough to wait for his friend who is helping an old man with sticks - bjorn. he was kind. haha.
end of the four of us. hmm. i think i will refer the four of us as the seniors? i realized that when i am in grps of 4, 3 of them are clarinetists. haha. ehh. and one saxophonist too! haha. same section but different type of ppl. haha. now i shall reflect on the usual four of us, daffy, jilly, miaos and me. sigh.
i feel that we are really damn faraway from each other already la. is like last time recess time the 3 of them will still come up to my classroom to ask if i want to go for recess. now? not even mentioning talking about recess. i think i wont be joining them so soon. is like long time never eat with them, then if suddenly eat with them, i think the 4 of us might feel awkard. now recess time, i seemingly have no choice but to stay in class. sigh. there are times when i really want to stay to complete my work and all sorts. i got a feeling that the 3 of them is like kind of despise me. this are the factors that made me think this way:
1. my results were the worst
2. i dont usually complete my work on time
3. i kind of act weirdly with guys
4. i seemingly has got a heck-care attitude (i dunno if i have or not)
5. i seems to hate whoever they love that dearly
6. i keep mentioning the greatest of HIM (but he really is)
7. the class that i am in is like the not-so-good class (not that i despise myself for being in this class)
the list keeps going on and on. i admit some are true. my results arent that good. yes i know the 3 of them are like maths-pro but i am like a total failure in maths? sigh. i really feared for this day to come when i am being despised by my closer friends. is like since young till now, i feel deserted. it is like i can only click on to a certain grp of friends. now that we are all in sec2, it seems that we all will go through a lot of processing in our brain that we are to think more than twice about making friends with a certain person. results are one of the main points. i always thought that it is quite stressful to be in such grps of friends whereby everybody is better than me. ppl mocked me about my size. yes i know. but is just that does apearance really appeal so much btw close friends? i feel inferior. the 3 of them are like all having an above average appearance? benjamin, bjorn and kiesha are somewhat more stressful. esp benjamin. he is like so much so much so much more above average? sigh. i really dunno what to do now. am i really fated to be alone? i hope that i can remain close friends with both the grps esp the sec2 girls that grp. is like the 4 of us are going to spend more time together rather than i spending more time with benjamin, bjorn and kiesha. they are sec3 afterall. i dowan ppl to start thinking otherwise esp since benjamin's appearance are as what ppl say - very very very and extremely nice. (handsome la) i really dowan to lose friends again. i do hope it is not the appearance or the comparision that is keeping us 4 girls away from each other. better still, i hope it is not that matter of clarinets that are keeping jilly, miaos and me away from each other. i really could give up this leblanc if i could exchange for the things i want. but the problem is that there is nothing for me to exchange with that is worth it. the first event that i want, has already happened. HE came back and practiced even though it is not with the full band. he is afterall one of mr tan's fav name to call. he dowan to like keep explaining things. we all know that he still do cares for us. i dunno if u all respect him but i really do. during his time as a SL, troubles did not seems to spill in like now. i really dunno how he did it. is like he didnt really talk to us all much but then problems dont go to him. sigh. nvm about this. putting aside band, i really dunno what can we all talk about.
today there was no incoming of the usual caller. i felt like we are breaking. not in the sense of stead but in the sense of friends. i decided to ignore him but i failed. when i decided to, he seems to feel it and start to talk a bit. he talked just enough to make me change my mind about ignoring. it seems as if he can read my mind. but i know that he wont keep to what he say. he still talks to her frequently. i feel left out once again under such conditions. if only we could really talk heart to heart out. but i guess there is no way. msn? sms? call? talk personally? last few resorts are email and write a personal letter. sigh. i really dunno what to do. friendships seems to be losing and now he added on to the lost. how wish he could just be my best brother and always be there to lend me a hearing ear. maybe i am biased towards him. i feel that talking to him is better coz he seemingly dont understand what am i talking about so he wont ask too much. but say enough to keep me content. but he wont tell me too much stuffs. perhaps i overviewed this relation. i guess afterall, i still resort to talking to kiesha. she gives me her comments and she understand things better since i am more vexed on the matters that she knows of. sigh. or not i wouldnt have talked to her that much. she seemingly could understand me. sometimes we talk about the same topic with the same feeling - clarinet. the few topics that we disagreed are - Wai Kit, Benjamin (?), teachers? i dunno. but mainly is Wai Kit that we disagree the most. sigh. anyways. she knows most of my feelings and events. and i feel quite a lot about her too. i talked to her about the caller and his stuffs. she encouraged me to do things. and i did. i suddenly feel as if i have done the right thing to ask her. i needed confidence. she agreed to what i say about giving that stupid girl up for the caller and i told him. he agreed too. this act gave me confidence. but some things are just meant for ourselves.
remarkable results!